The Cast
Five characters. Zero chemistry. Infinite hostility.
“I'll splatter you all the way to Sunday.”
Born in a bottle. Raised in a diner. Ketchup has one setting: SQUEEZE. Fast on the draw, slow on the uptake, and emotionally saturated 24/7. Refuses to shake hands unless someone shakes him first.
“Bold of you to assume I care.”
Aged in oak. Cool under pressure. Mustard is what happens when sarcasm learns to shoot straight. Carries a rifle and a grudge. Ketchup's involuntary partner. Would rather be reading.
“Room temperature and RUDE about it.”
The slipperiest outlaw west of the fridge. Wanted in every county for crimes against flavor. His only known weakness: he cannot pass a tree shaped like a bedpost without hiding behind it. This is not a metaphor.
“Wait, are they reading my subtitles right now?”
A wisecracking gunslinger who occasionally wanders into panels, points at the reader, and laughs. Nobody invited him. Nobody can make him leave. He tips well.
“I have three forks and a bad attitude.”
Sheriff of Ranch Dressing Gulch. Hates paperwork, hates outlaws, hates most food. Wields cutlery like he means it. Is he friend or foe? Yes.